Halflife
by Elessar King
Summary: It was a routine that repeated itself every time it happened. He could rehearse it over in his head she would ask what was wrong. He would say it was just a dream. She would ask what it was about... And Bobby couldn't tell her. Implied AB


A slightly longer 25crimes fic… I'm decently happy about this one. I had always wondered about Bobby's sort of..dating life, since occasionally one of his old girlfriends pops up, which is really funny because it's like "OMG, Bobby Goren has a LIFE?". Anyway, so I thought that this might be an explanation into that. 25crimes prompt is Unrequited.

* * *

Halflife

_You love me but you don't know who I am  
__I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
__You love me but you don't know who I am  
__So let me go  
__Let me go_

_- Let Me Go: 3 Doors Down_

She was beautiful in a hidden sort of way. Her long dark hair was loosely draped about her shoulders, and she reached a hand up to gently push it back behind one ear, concentrating on her book. Her blue eyes were shielded behind flattering glasses, and she quietly sat at the small round table outside the small corner coffee shop.

His newspaper ceasing to be interesting, Bobby found a new focus as he watched the dark-haired woman flip through the pages of her book. He had never seen her here before, in all the times that he had frequented the coffee shop in the morning. Tilting his head to the side, Bobby continued to watch. It wasn't so much that he was shy about talking to women, unless it was in a professional situation, but just that he just felt awkward in a social situation. He really was more the type to hide behind a book, or just to watch…as he was doing now.

After a moment, Bobby stood up and walked over to her table. She didn't look up from her book, and almost appeared to not even notice his presence there. He cleared his throat, fidgeting a little awkwardly, "Um.. would you um..mind if I sat at your table?"

The woman smiled and lowered the book slightly. "No, not at all," she replied. Her voice was pleasant – soothing, like that of someone who worked in a quiet environment – someone who helped people.

He pulled the chair out from the table and sat down, watching her for a moment, then motioning to her book with one hand, "Passage to India, that's-.. that's a good book."

"You've read it?"

Bobby nodded a little, "I liked it, it was…complex. But interesting."

Placing the book face down to keep her place, she smiled at him and said, "My name is Jennifer."

"I'm Bobby," he smiled back, "It's-..it's nice to meet you, Jennifer…"

* * *

Bobby woke with a started gasp and looked around the dark room, breathing hard. For a moment he didn't recognize his surroundings and the laughter from his nightmares lingered. But then he remembered.

Sitting up, he shivered, despite the New York summer heat. Bobby ran a hand through his damp hair – his face still covered in sweat – and tried to calm down his racing heart.

Beside him, Jen stirred in her sleep. Bobby looked over at her, watching her quietly. It wasn't the first time he had stayed the night at her place. It wasn't the first time he had woken up here after a nightmare either. But this time he was glad she didn't wake up.

The times before, she had. It was a routine that repeated itself every time it happened. He could rehearse it over in his head – she would ask what was wrong. He would say it was just a dream. She would ask what it was about… And Bobby couldn't tell her. Part of him didn't want her to find out…and another part knew that she wouldn't understand. But mostly, it was because much of it was too painful to talk about.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and rested his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands, still trying to calm himself down.

Jen stirred again and rolled over, expecting to feel the strong body of her boyfriend, laying next to her. Instead her hands glanced across the sheets, still warm from his contact, but empty. "Bobby?" she asked sleepily running her hands up his back to his shoulders. Jen wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his upper back, "What's wrong?"

He sighed softly, "Just..just a dream."

"Hmmm…" she closed her eyes for a moment, "About what?"

"Nothing, it-it was just a dream…go back to sleep, baby."

Jen blinked a few times and looked up at him, sitting up a little more, "Are you ever going to tell me what's going on, Bobby?"

"I-.." he paused for a moment, hesitating, "Tell you what?"

Her tone hardened slightly, "You know exactly what, Robert, don't play dumb with me. Why won't you talk to me, it's like you're hiding."

Running a slightly shaking hand through his short hair, Bobby turned to face her, "No, it's-..it's not like that! I can't..explain."

Fully awake and quickly getting frustrated, Jen shook her head, "You never can, it's the exact same every time this happens. Why? Why won't you tell me?"

"I can't! It's..there's-there's no way that it's that simple. You wouldn't… I can't, Jen.."

"Why, Bobby? I won't what?"

"Nothing.." he stood up and walked over to the open window.

"Bullshit. What were you about to say?"

Bobby shook his head, "I-I need to clear my head, I think.. I think I'm going to-to go for a walk."

Jen sighed, frustrated and upset, and stood up too, "Not at 2 in the morning. And you never answered my question, Bobby."

"You…" he looked down at the floor, fidgeting with his feet, "You wouldn't understand."

"What wouldn't I understand?" she said softly, but still upset, "If you don't tell me what's going on…" For a moment, she paused and folded her arms, "We have to be able to communicate, do you care about this relationship at all?"

Bobby fidgeted again and started to pace, unable to stand still, "Yes, of-of course I do! But, it's-..still not that simple!"

"Yes it is, you're just making it more complicated!"

"You're the one making it-it more complicated! Why won't you just…trust me with this!"

"Because, Bobby, how many nightmares have you had," she shot back quickly, "You've always been hiding in the shadows. We've been seeing each other how long? Seriously, how long? You've even met my parents! But..to me, you're still a stranger."

"Jen…" Bobby shifted on his feet uncomfortably, "Jenny, please don't.."

She held up a hand, "No. Let me finish… Is it just me? Tell me that upfront now before we go any further at 2 in the morning. Is it me? Are you seeing someone else? What the hell is going on, Bobby..and why won't you tell me?"

"It um.." he looked down again with a sigh, scratching the back of his head with one hand, "It's not you, baby… and.. there's no one else." Bobby closed his eyes and took a deep breath, I-I'm…I'm afraid-.." Shaking his head, he looked towards the window, almost for an escape.

Jen stared at him for a moment, then put her hands on her hips and shook her head, "I can't do this anymore, Bobby. I can't do this if you keep shutting me out. Either that changes, or…" She paused for a moment, clearly not happy about what she was saying – she did feel sorry as she was not cold hearted – but not backing down either. Her voice softened a little, "Or you grab your things and walk out that door right now."

Bobby reached up to rub his face, not saying anything for a moment. His chest almost physically ached from the words exchanged. After all of the times that it had happened it was logical that the feelings would lessen, but that was far from true.

"I'm sorry," he said at last.

* * *

Alex Eames was slightly surprised when she came in early the next day and her partner's desk was empty. It was extremely rare that Bobby was late. That is to say not late, but arriving at the time that "normal" people came to work.

She was tempted to call, but it was probably something like a long line at the coffee shop, or something minor like that. Though her concern did have evidence to point that something else was going on. Something had clearly been on Bobby's mind the past few days – maybe even weeks if one looked hard enough. She also considered asking him what was going on and trying to help – it wasn't that it was affecting their work at all, but Bobby was her partner and…friend. She cared for him. But with her years of knowing him, Alex had found that it was better to let Bobby deal with personal things on his own time. If he needed something, or wanted to talk, he had to come to her when he was ready. That was the way it had worked before.

As she had already gotten to work on the mountainous pile of papers on her desk, Bobby walked in carrying two cups of coffee. He set one of them down on her desk before sitting down across from her. "You're in early," he commented.

Alex looked up at her partner. He looked tired, unshaven, and to the untrained eye, that was all, but Alex caught something else too. "Thanks for the coffee."

Nodding a little, Bobby sifted through some of his paperwork, "You're welcome."

There was silence again when it drifted back to a working mode. Bobby, however, was quickly distracted, as always. Among the still-present memories of the nightmares, was the stronger memory of last night. He had grown comfortable with Jen, lowered the protective emotional barriers that he kept up a little around her. But it wasn't enough. How could he tell her about everything. It wasn't something that could come up in casual conversation. And at night, he wanted nothing more than the nightmares to go away, not talk about them.

He had spent his childhood and part of his early adulthood pretending that it wasn't even him, or his family. After all the psychological and behavior research he had done, Bobby still barely came to terms with the hell he had gone through dealing with his mother's illness, let alone his father and brother. Perhaps then, Jen breaking up with him was a good thing. But it only ran home even more his inability to function socially. No one could understand enough or trust him enough not to push him, but let him speak when he was ready.

Bobby looked up briefly at his partner. Not..no one. Alex knew. She understood that key and didn't get frustrated when he didn't talk. When they were first partnered, she viewed it as everyone else did, but in one particular case about a church sextant, after Bobby had talked to a manic bipolar homeless man named Howard and showed an unusual understanding of the man's mental condition, that was when it began to make sense.

Alex had commented that he had been good talking with Howard, and Bobby's only reply was that he had a lot of practice. Normally, a story would have followed, an explanation, and she expected it to, but Goren was different. It was only later he told her of his mother. After that, she learned more about Bobby Goren than anyone else because she trusted his own time. And he trusted her back.

After a few minutes, she looked up at him, breaking the silence, "Have a long night?"

For a moment, Bobby smiled a little. There was a woman that understand and cared for him more than anyone else. "Yeah," he replied simply and looked down at his desk briefly, "But it's, you know, over now, so.. it's-it's not important... You..you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I do," she smiled a little.


End file.
